Just for my friend Pattie, the Phillies are going to the World Series. Oh, yeah: The Yankees are going, too.

Derek Jeter. After all, I’d rather look at him than Pay-Rod.

Photo: Ladies Dot Dot Dot

I chatted with my girlfriend Pattie the other day. Among other subjects, we discussed her attendance at one of the Springsteen shows in Philadelphia last week. (The earth cannot contain my jealousy, but if it was going to happen to anyone, it should happen to her!) We talked a little baseball, too. Pattie is a Phillies fan, and was a Phillies fan before it was cool to be one.  Of course, this means only one thing, besides the opportunity to celebrate that they’re back in the World Series. It’s time to indulge my true hatred of all things Yankees, and my extra-special, heat-of-a-thousand-suns hatred for Alex Rodriguez.

I can’t express the weight and mass of my hate, other than it’s sufficient to block the sun. He’s just detestable, and he plays for the most detestable team in Major League Baseball. I hope the Phillies beat them like a rented mule. I’ll settle for nothing but their complete destruction and humiliation on a baseball diamond.  After all, I am a loyal Mariners fan, and the grudge lives on, Pay-Rod. There is one mitigating circumstance for my hatred, though: Derek Jeter.

Derek, please. Find yourself a real team.  I know New York is probably exciting and fun, and there’s lots of single women there. There’s a perfectly nice team across town that I’m sure would be happy to have you around. After all, how many World Series rings can one WEAR at once, anyway? Wouldn’t it be more fun to have a challenge, too? If you’d like a change, there are many teams across our great nation that would welcome you to their locker room. Plus, you’ll get away from the monolith that is Pay-Rod’s ego. It’s impossible for me to imagine how the rest of the team and his ego can fit in one locker room.

While I’m begging Derek Jeter to go somewhere else so I can watch his games, the Onion would like to weigh in on the odious Mr. Rodriguez. Enjoy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/a_rod_cant_wait_to_someday_tell

Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.

“I can see it now: I’ll visit my grandkids every year and a half or so, remind them that I am actually their grandfather, and if it’s not too awkward, I’ll sit them on my lap,” Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he’ll probably have grandchildren he barely knows scattered throughout the country. “Then I’ll tell them about how I once knocked an 0-2 Brian Fuentes pitch over the right-field wall during the ALCS.”

Added Rodriguez, “While I’m doing this I’ll make sure my 23-year-old girlfriend waits in the car.”

Hate. HATE.

-S

p.s. Lest my readership think that I have another job at the Psychic Friends Network, it’s been brought to my attention that the series between the Angels and the Yankees still hasn’t been decided. Let us meditate on some Halo wins. After all, doesn’t God hate the Yankees, too?

I can only plead extreme blondeness for the above error. I’d also like to say, though, I don’t take back one thing I said about Pay-Rod. That was all incredibly accurate…