The editor will be Having Her Way with my book later tonight after I send her the (mostly completed) file, which I’ll be working on all day today. I’ll be recovering this weekend at the Greater Seattle Romance Writers of America conference. I wanted to post the following, though, and hope that it stimulates some discussion.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071024/ap_en_ot/the_crying_game
“Please, please, please, just give the dog back,” Ellen DeGeneres wept on national TV last week. It was a moment that quickly established itself in the pop culture firmament, less for the plight of Iggy the adopted terrier than for the copious crying itself.
Setting aside the question of whether those sobs were 100 percent genuine, tears are a natural human response, and public figures are obviously not immune. But some who study this most basic expression of feeling will tell you that in this day and age, it can be easier for a crying man to be taken seriously than a crying woman.
Ahhh, crying. There’s nothing that can render any of us more uncomfortable more quickly than anyone else’s tears. Of course, we do the things we’re supposed to do — offer a Kleenex, give the crying person a hug if that’s okay with them. At the same time, I can’t help but feel manipulated by those tears. Let’s face it, I’m a woman. I’m supposed to cry when I’m sad, aren’t I? At the same time, I find myself doing whatever I must do to hold my tears inside. They’re private. I don’t like crying in front of others, because I’m afraid they will find me manipulative as well.
We laugh out loud, we express anger, we show irritation, impatience, compassion every day. Why are tears so taboo?
I’m also old enough to have been taught that boys did not cry, so to see any male crying is emotional Kryptonite for me. I realize it’s healthy, they have emotions, too, and maybe, they need to cry.
This brings to mind a story, and I’ll try to keep it short. Our friend John died in a mountain climbing accident almost three years ago. We loved him. John was larger than life. I can’t believe he’s gone. At the same time, we’re walking into the church for the service, and I’m talking to The Dauphin: “We can’t cry. If we cry, John will come back and kick our asses.” Sure enough, we were sobbing like babies. We weren’t the only ones. John was a detective. The church was full of police officers, firefighters, EMT’s — the toughest of the tough — and they cried, too. They’d lost a colleague and a friend. What else could any of us do?
Back to my thoughts on the whole crying thing. I know there’s a difference in my mind between male and female tears. When I see a man cry, I know it’s something major. The vast majority of men don’t seem to shed tears over the minor things. Females? I know I need to look at exactly why I am so irritated when I see a woman uncontrollably crying in a professional situation, for instance. When I worked in the corporate world, I had co-workers that controlled everyone around them with their tears.
Of course, the person who wrote the article buried the lead. Here’s Bill Maher’s thoughts on Ellen Degeneres’ recent tears over Iggy the dog.
Maher decided to respond on behalf of an entire gender: The opposite one.
“At this moment when the entire nation is saying ‘Hmm, can we have a woman president? Maybe they’re too emotional,’ I don’t think this is helping,” Maher said on his talk show.
“If I was a woman,” he added, “I would be embarrassed right now. I would be embarrassed for all womankind.”
I’d like to say something here about Mr. Maher’s contributions to mankind, but it would be snarky and unsportsmanlike. Suffice it to say, I’m curious to know — what do you think about tears, yours and other people’s?
-S
